I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
