I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
