You're completely useless in the revolution.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
