apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
