you mean i was at the winter classic?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
