Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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