i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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