There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
