The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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