the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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