he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I can't turn off my feet"
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
