remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
