I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
