oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
