My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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