put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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