dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
