I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
