I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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