Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
