Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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