I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
