Please, let me fuck your mom
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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