You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
