I could make wine with my vomit
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
