I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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