if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You pole danced in your parka.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
