I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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