You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
