Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
