i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
