I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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