I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
