I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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