Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
My vagina just recognized that song.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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