I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
