I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
