Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
