When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Just invented taco cereal.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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