I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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