Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
