Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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