Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
