that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
