The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
