Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
