So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
