I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
