why didn't you poke me back
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
