Having a random hookup so left but love u
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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